my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
