I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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