I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
