her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
