I could have mohawked her pubes.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
