Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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