Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
