I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
