your room smells of hookers.
And success
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
how drunk are you?
Several
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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