he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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