My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize