Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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