Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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