Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
