Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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