hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
