I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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