i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
