If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
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