next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Randomize
