So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
