Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize