i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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