there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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