if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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