Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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