Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
