Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
