They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
