dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Who died my cat blue again?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
