last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
