I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
