Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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