Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
