I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Im part way to drunk.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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