i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
