I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
