I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
