we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
