My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
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