Betty ford says i'm here all night
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
