just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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