yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
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