You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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