She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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