Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
