it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
