I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Randomize
