i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
