it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
