I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
