I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
