I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
