she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Randomize
