i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
