You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
