apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
