If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
