just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
