woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Who died my cat blue again?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
