Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
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