last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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