I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
