Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
