worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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